Leonard Maltin: Filmski vodič za slepce

            Oduvek, odmalena, imao sam averziju prema mejnstrimu, prema zvaničnim verzijama bilo čega, nevezano da li se tiče istorije, umetnosti, svakodnevnog života: ako je bilo opšteprihvaćeno, ako su to svi radili/voleli, ako su to roditelji i familija i učitelji i političari i popovi i drugi autoriteti preporučivali – meni je odmah samim tim bilo sumnjivo. Gnušao sam se stvari koje su "in", koje su popularne i obožavane od strane mase i rulje. Hitovi, blokbasteri, bestseleri i slična sranja: couldn't care less. Sve što je opšteprihvaćeno, neupitno, klasično, tradicionalno – meni je bilo i ostalo odbojno. Čim se tolika masa oduševljava nečim, tu teško da ima nešto za mene, jer rano sam shvatio da "ukus" većine nije MOJ ukus. Ovenčano Oskarom? Hmmm. Zaradilo stotine miliona? Ehhh. Svi hrle u bioskop da baš to pogledaju? Pfffft. Rulja se grabi za postere, figurice, šolje, majice sa motivima tog filma? Pih.

Naravno, postoje izuzeci u svemu, pa i u tome (da ne nabrajam sad veoma mi drage i peticama ocenjene filmove koji jesu dobili Oskare ili zaradili solidne količine parica na box officeu), ali kao opšte pravilo ono se uglavnom drži, bar što se mene i mog ukusa tiče.

            Ovaj kratki uvod iznosim samo kao pripremu za – Leonarda Maltina, koji oličava sve ono najmediokritetskije i najopšteprihvaćenije i rulji-najprilagođenije što se u sferi filma uopšte može zamisliti. LM je autor mega-popularnog filmskog vodiča koji već decenijama (sa novim apdejtima svake godine) služi kao referentna tačka filmofilima i onima koji tom statusu teže. Nekritički gledalac – onaj isti koji veruje da je Roger Ebert genijalan, ili barem vrlo pouzdan kritičar, onaj isti koji za ozbiljnu referencu uzima prosečnu ocenu filma na IMDB-u, onaj koji gleda ono što se svuda gleda (tj. što je u vrhu box office lista) – taj isti gledalac uzima Maltinov vodič kao Bibliju, ili barem kao nešto čemu se može verovati, i prema njegovim zvezdicama i ocenama upravlja šta će gledati, odnosno šta neće.

            Naravno, oni koji vole da im drugi sažvaću, preživaju i izbljuju natrag sve što treba, rado će –kao gladni ptići – otvoriti svoje kljuniće i bez problema progutati te Maltinove bljuvotine. Ipak, želim da verujem da ovaj blog redovno čita nešto probirljivija publika, sa izgrađenim ukusom i kritičkom svešću (tu ne računam Google-namernike koji su došli ovde tražeći video "pas jebe ženu"). Sve ovo pišem jer se nadam da mi većinu stalnih čitalaca čine oni sa sklonošću ka skrajnutom, manje izvikanom, alternativnom, andergraund, weird, ka ezoteričnom, ekscentričnom i sl. – zbog njih, dakle, želim da podsetim, konkretnim primerima, koliki je slepac Leonard Maltin.

Njegova slepost naročito se eksplicitno vidi kada pogledamo s koliko nerazumevanja, predrasuda i downright gluposti je prišao žanru koji NIJE pogodan rulji i njenim merilima "dobrote" i "ukusa" – dakle, hororu. Istina, Maltin, kao ikona osrednjosti i gaženja utabanim stazama, daje nekoliko odličnih ocena opšteprihvaćenim klasicima horora koje čak i kreten poput njega ne sme da pokuša osporiti (Hičkok, Polanski i sl.). Zato njegova inherentna ograničenost i kratkovidost postaju transparentni kada se sudare sa originalnim, samosvojnim umetnicima ili materijalima čija estetika koketira sa "dobrim ukusom", koja ide van utabanih magistrala, koja se napaja na pojilima gde stoka masovno NE dolazi (Kronenberg, Linč, Jodorovski...). Uostalom, šta očekivati od njuške koja se ovako ogavno konjski kliberi?

Da podsetim eventualne neupućene – njegove ocene kreću se od BOMB (užas, nula, đubre) pa do **** (remek-delo). Evo liste horora koji kod Maltina nisu prošli tako loše kako su mogli (sa njegovim ocenama):

ALIEN (1979) ***1/2

HALLOWEEN ***

DAWN OF THE DEAD ***1/2

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER ***1/2

PEEPING TOM ***

PSYCHO ****

ROSEMARY'S BABY ****

BIRDS ***1/2

THE EXORCIST ***1/2

NOSFERATU '22 ***1/2

NOSFERATU '78 ***1/2

RINGU ***

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS '56 ***1/2

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS '78 ***

BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN ****

THE FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS ***1/2

JAWS ****

Takođe: iako se ovaj vodič svake godine "apdejtuje", tj. dodaju mu se novi naslovi koji su u međuvremenu igrali u bioskopima ili postali dostupni na DVD-u, uzalud ćete u izdanju za 2010. tražiti klasike japanskog horora (odavno dostupne na USA DVD-ima!) kakvi su KURONEKO, TETSUO, BATTLE ROYALE ili AUDITION. Filmovi koji bi mogli da šokiraju domaćice i retarde koji se upravljaju prema ovakvim vodičima – sasvim su zaobiđeni, bez obzira što postoje na USA DVD izdanjima. Tako, recimo, kod Maltina nećete naći ni CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST niti ijedan drugi italo film sa kanibalima. Ovaj sveštenik osrednjosti nije obradio ama baš niti jedan jedini film Agustija Viljaronge (skoro svi su izdati na DVD-u u USA ili UK). Postoje tu čak i neki neshvatljivi propusti – ako, recimo, poželite da vidite šta je ovaj imbecil nakucao o jednom od najvećih slashera svih vremena, pa potražite ALONE IN THE DARK (1982), Maltin vam je u svom "vodiču" prikazao samo sprdačinu Uwe Bolla, ali ne i remek Jacka Sholdera. Mislim, šta reći nego, ko se prema ovakvima upravlja, koga ovakvi vodiči vode – i zaslužuje da živi u slepilu i neznanju.

Ovo što sledi je moj izbor najvećih, neoprostivih sagrešenija Leonarda Maltina protiv nekih od najboljih horor filmova u istoriji. Redosled naslova je organizovan prema mojoj ličnoj top-listi najboljih horora ikada snimljenih. Evo kako je kreten Maltin ocenio (tj. potcenio) neka od najvećih remek-dela horor žanra: sve je citirano prema njegovom vodiču iz 2010. godine.

Fly, The (1986)

**1/2

Goldblum is just right as slightly crazed scientist who tests himself in a genetic transporter machine - and starts to evolve into a human fly. Extremely intense, sharply written remake of the 1958 movie that (unfortunately) goes over the line to be gross and disgusting.

Shining, The (1980)

**

Intriguing but ineffectual adaptation of Stephen King’s thriller about a man who becomes off-season caretaker at isolated resort hotel—and almost immediately begins to lose his mind. Nicholson goes off the wall so quickly there’s no time to get involved in his plight. Some eerie scenes, to be sure, but the film goes on forever.

Texas Chain Saw Massacre, The (1974)

***

Travelers in rural Texas encounter crazed family of bizarros who have a committed though unusual sense of what cuts of meat you need for good barbecue. Sweat-inducing, claustrophobic, unrelenting suspense-comic-horror film. Classic and nowhere nearly as violent as it’s reputed to be. Narrated by an unbilled John Larroquette.

Thing, The (1982)

*1⁄2

Remake of 1951 film about Antarctic outpost terrorized by an alien organism. More faithful to the original story, but nonstop parade of slimy, repulsive special effects turns this into a freak show and drowns most of the suspense.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988-British)

*1/2

Confusing, tedious sequel begins immediately after first film ends. Teenage heroine literally goes to Hell in effort to rescue ill-fated father, but encounters opposition from her revived stepmother

and an occult-obsessed psychiatrist. But Hell is a boring, dusty labyrinth. Almost as gruesome as HELLRAISER (it’s not a sequel to HELLBOUND), but nowhere near as entertaining.

Hellraiser (1987-British)

**1/2

Robinson and Higgins move into a roomy British dwelling, unaware that his half brother is hiding upstairs in a kind of gelatinous/skeletal state; soon the beast is forcing her to lure stray men back to the house so he can replenish himself with their blood. Grisly but stylish directorial debut by famed horror novelist Barker; ugly fun all the way.

Cemetery Man (1995-U.S.-Italian)

**

Zombies rise from the dead a week after their demise, and it’s ‘‘Cemetery Man’s’’ job to kill them again, with the assistance of a grotesque mute companion. Based on an Italian comic series, Dylan Dog, a promising concept becomes overwhelming and repetitive. At times outrageous, funny, sexy, and disgusting, with a startlingly enigmatic and fascinating ending.

Basket Case 2 (1990) C-89m.

BOMB

Van Hentenryck and his monstrously deformed twin brother take refuge in a house of freaks, but are

tracked down by tabloid reporter. Arch, pseudo-hip film totally lacks the convic tion of the first; icy cold.

Nightmare on Elm Street, A (1984)

**1/2

Several teenagers discover they’re all having nightmares about the same character, scar-faced Fred Krueger—a kind of ghost who can enter their dreams at will, and kill them in macabre ways. It’s up to surviving teen Nancy (Langenkamp) to try to stop him. Imaginative premise given routine treatment, but this box-office smash led to a handful of sequels and a TV series, Freddy’s Nightmares.

Dust Devil (1993-British-French)

**

In Africa’s Namibia Desert, evil spirit Burke, trapped in human form, must kill to enter a spiritual realm; he meets Field, fleeing an unhappy marriage, and is pursued by policeman Mokae. Interesting

premise, good acting partly offset lethargic pace, pretentious approach.

Angel Heart (1987 –US)

**1/2

Two-bit private eye Rourke is hired by mysterious De Niro to track down a missing man, which leads him into a serpentine investigation— and a kind of emotional quicksand. An American Gothic yarn, full of striking, sensual, and frightening images, though after a while it bogs down. Intriguing, if not terribly appealing.

Santa Sangre (1989-Italian-Mexican)

**

Grotesque story about an entertainer whose act consists of performing as the arms for his armless mother; he’s also an unwilling murderer. Made in luxurious color with dreamy art direction, this lacks the intellectual charge of Jodorowsky’s earlier films.

Hardware (1990-British-U.S.)

**

Somewhere in the post-nuke future, desert scavenger McDermott presents some android remains to Travis; eventually, the stuff rekindles what is apparently its life mission —to destroy all living things (and the Travis pad, besides). Surprisingly well made, but recalls many earlier (and better) films. Heavy violence nearly earned this an X rating, before it was trimmed.

Deep Red (1975-Italian)

**1/2

There’s style to burn in senseless horror thriller with Hemmings on trail of sadistic psycho killer. Flashy, bizarre murders set to pounding rock soundtrack. Aka THE HATCHET MURDERS; original Italian version, PROFONDO ROSSO, is longer and much more violent.

Lost Highway (1997-U.S.-French)

**1/2

Bizarre Lynchian story that makes Twin Peaks seem as easy to follow as a Sesame Street episode. Basic plot involves Pullman as a jazz musician who, believing his wife is having an affair, suddenly finds himself the main suspect in her murder. Or is he? Or was she? Lynch fans will have fun trying to figure it out; others will find it incomprehensible. Blake is particularly enigmatic as a mystery man with a bad makeup job.

They Came From Within (1975-Canadian)

* 1/2

Bizarre, sexually oriented parasites run rampant through dwellers in high-rise apartment building with plenty of gory violence quick to ensue. First ‘‘major’’ film by cult favorite Cronenberg sets the disgusting pattern for most of his subsequent pictures.

Videodrome (1983-Canadian)

**

Genuinely intriguing story premise —about pirate cable-TV programmer (Woods, in a dynamic performance) who’s mesmerized by bizarre, untraceable transmissions that have hallucinatory power. Unfortunately, story gets slower —and sillier— as it goes along, with icky special effects by Rick Baker.

High Tension (2003-French)

**1/2

French import about two girls trying to escape from a perverted serial killer in the isolated countryside was one of the most acclaimed entries in a seemingly endless series of ’70s slasher-film revivals. While many of its frightening images and suspenseful, cleverly orchestrated sequences live up to its title, an unsatisfying final twist makes it seem even more dated than the movies it emulates.

Brood, The (1979-Canadian)

BOMB

Eggar eats her own afterbirth while midget clones beat grandparents and lovely young schoolteachers to death with mallets. It’s a big, wide, wonderful world we live in!

             Kod Maltina, EVIL DEAD ima samo **1/2 a EVIL DEAD 2 ***. Sjajni EXORCIST III je potcenjen sa **, a vala i za SUSPIRIJU je premalo ***. CANDYMAN ima *** ali moron tvrdi da je to "from Clive Barker’s novel The Forbidden": šta zna Maltin šta je novel a šta short story! I tako dalje.  

Mislim da je iz ovog izbora sasvim jasno o kakvom profilu "kritičara" se radi, kao i koja vrsta publike može bespogovorno da se upravlja jednim ovako nakaradno promašenim "vodičem".

            U idućem nastavku: autopsija Rodžera Eberta i njegovih smrtnih grehova protiv horora i dobrog ukusa uopšte.